Coming Out

What's Coming Out Like?

Testing the Waters

You can get a sense of how accepting your friends and family are by the things they say, or dont say, when gay- or transgender-related issues come up. You might try to bring it up yourself by talking about such issues in the news, in films, on radio or television shows, or in the debates over equal rights in the workplace. If the reactions from your friends or members of your family are positive, the chances are that theyll be more accepting of you. But always keep in mind that its easier for most people to accept GLBT people in the abstract. Its a bit different when its my son or my daughter or even my best friend. A word of caution: Its always a risk to come out. You never can know how anyone will react because our society, throughout history, has been full of positive images of heterosexual people and bereft of positive images of GLBT people. Theres a good chance that people will judge you based on those images, no matter how open-minded you might think they are. On the other hand, it is often surprising who among your friends and families are the most supportive.

Telling Family Members

Most people are afraid that their parents will reject them if they come out. You might be afraid that they will throw you out of the house, tell you youre immoral, or simply stop loving you. The good news is that youre probably wrong. Its true that many parents are shocked when their children say theyre gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. But it is also true that for many parents, its very hard to completely reject their children. Some parents react in ways that hurt. Some cry. Some get angry. Some ask where they went wrong as a parent. Some call it a sin. Some insist its a phase. Others try to send their child to counselors or therapists who attempt to change gay people into heterosexuals a process rejected by all major medical and mental health professional organizations. Some parents send their child to counselors or therapists who try to change gender-variant people.

Candace Gingrichs mother was pretty typical. She wanted to know what happened to me that turned me into a lesbian, Gingrich recalls. She wanted to know where she and Dad went wrong. She wanted to know if I hadnt met the right man yet. Initially, comedian Suzanne Westenhoefers mother also was upset and confused because Westenhoefer had been dating boys for several years before she figured out she was gay. She couldnt understand that I could date guys, like them and yet decide I was a lesbian. And it also went against the old myth that lesbians hate men, she said. It took her mother several months to come to terms with the news. Then my mother went through a period of being worried about my safety because of all the people who dont like queers and that I would spend my life in dark bars. She also worried whether she and her daughter would remain close, as they always had been.

Within a year or so, however, Westenhoefers mother came to accept her. She was soon including Westenhoefers girlfriend in family activities. Remember that your parents grew up in a time when some of the misperceptions about GLBT people were more prevalent than they are today. Remember, too, that theyre probably trying to keep you safe from something they do not understand. Finally, remember this is big news, and theres really no time schedule for how long it takes parents to adjust. Some take months. Some take years. And, of course, some already know. Many people have questions when you come out to them. You might want to be prepared by showing them this booklet or another similar resource. For a list of books and online resources, visit HRCs National Coming Out Project.

Many communities have local chapters of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, or PFLAG. Fortunately, parents seem to be more accepting of their children now than ever, but some parents still go to the extreme. For actor Wilson Cruz, it was awful. His father threw him out. I lived in my car for three months, Cruz recalls. For a year, he and his father barely talked. Then one night, My So-Called Life aired an episode in which Cruzs character was thrown out of his house for being gay. Cruzs father was watching. He called me up after that, and it was very moving. He saw what I went through on an emotional and a physical level, and started to see what hed done wrong. Now, I wouldnt say its a complete transformation but hes definitely a lot more accepting of me. While Cruzs experience was more dramatic than most, it shows that even people who react negatively at first can come around in time and sometimes become your strongest supporters. It may not be easy for you to give them this time. But dont be discouraged. In the long run, nothing helps as much as patience.

Edited by D.A. Hutchinson

Last Updated on 10/30/2009 4:32:14 PM